Sounds
These sound files were all created by me. It took a long time, and I would appreciate if you did not steal these or hotlink to them. And by "appreciate," I mean "won't kick your ass." BANDWIDTH THEFT IS WRONG. So please, right click, and "save as" to listen.
Grandma's Boy
Mr. Deeds
Little Nicky
Deuce Bigalow
Big Daddy
The Wedding Singer
The Waterboy
Happy Gilmore
Heavyweights
Freaks And Geeks
Canned Ham
Conan O'Brien
What the hell happened to me?
bad guy.mp3
[Grandma Lilly] Is this a good guy, or a bad guy?
[Alex] Oh, that's a bad guy. He's a drug dealer. Kill him.
[Grandma Lilly] Oh! Oh, I hate violence. But drugs are bad...
heavy breathing.mp3
[Marty] Babe? What are you staying here for?! I have a spare bedroom!
[Babe] We tried that once, remember? I woke up, and you were standing over my bed, breathing heavily.
[Marty] I was having an asthma attack! I couldn't find my puffer!
old spice.mp3
[Marty] Damn you, Old Spice!
sweet.mp3
[Babe] How could we do this to such a sweet guy?
[Marty] Sweet! SWEET?!? Look at me! Was he being sweet when he gave me the most savage beating of my life?
[Babe] You were mugging me!
[Marty] Babe, no one is as good as this guy is pretending to be. Don't be a sucker.
[Babe] He doesn't deserve this.
[Marty] He doesn't deserve you.
horrifying.mp3
[Todd] THAT... is the most horrifying thing... I've ever seen.
tvblowup.mp3
[Todd] I'm freaked out. My television just blew up.
[Nicky] You're damn right, it did! I mean... really?
in love once.mp3
[Todd] You know, I was in love once, but she said I wasn't financially reliable, and she needed that.
[John] Now by "she", do you mean "he"?
[Todd] NO!
did you just talk?.mp3
[Todd] What is Nicky doing there?
[Beefy] Trying to capture his brother in a flask and preserve the balance of good and evil on earth.
[Todd] Did you just talk?
[Beefy] No.
coke01.mp3
[Todd] Alright, I'm going to pretend I didn't see a dog on the couch, because my brain just can't process that right now. But were you about to drink one of my cokes?
coke02.mp3
[Todd] This coke tastes like pepsi.
kevin spacey.mp3
[Todd] Damn you, Kevin Spacey! You take all my parts!
deepsouth.mp3
[Todd] Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?
[Nicky] No.
[Todd] It's like, 80 degrees in this hallway. Where are you from, the south?
[Nicky] (long pause) Yes. The deep south.
deuce01.mp3
[Manager] Hi, Bob? We have an overflowing toilet in the ladies bathroom. There is shit everywhere, it's a real mess. Do you think you can get in there and take care of that for me?
deuce02.mp3
[Manager] So could you get in there, Bob? I mean, I got a party of ten coming in, and I am up to my ankles in human crap. It's a real stinkfest back there.
adoption.mp3
[Phil] So you're thinking that, since sometimes women get pregnant to try and fix a troubled relationship, why can't a guy adopt a kid to do the same thing?
puppy.mp3
[Phil] Remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food, and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it? But then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet training it?
[Sonny] Yeah?
[Phil] Well, this is kinda like that - except with a HUMAN.
ow.mp3
[Big Stick] Whack!
[Phil] OW!
(Thanks to Lisa for both of these.)
hooters.mp3
[Phil] And how long have you disliked Mr. Coufax?
[Corinne] Since the day I met him.
[Phil] And for the record, where did you work while you attended medical school?
[Corinne] Hooters.
[Phil] No further questions.
kangaroo.mp3
This is the kangaroo song, in case you haven't guessed already.
cones.mp3
[Sammy] They were cones!
dingdong.mp3
[Robbie] Why would any girl ever marry me?
[Sammy] Marry you? I'm just tryin' to get someone to play with your ding dong.
downey.mp3
[Sammy] Hey, these sheets are soft. Do you use Downey?
[Robbie] No. All Temperature. You can wash your clothes at any temperature and the colors don't run together.
[Sammy] Really?
[Robbie] Yeah. Now leave me alone.
get.mp3
[Sammy] She's gonna get it, and she doesn't even know it. And I'm gonna give it to her.
fonzie.mp3
[Robbie] I don't think that's gonna happen.
[Sammy] Oh, please. It's her first day. It always takes them at least three weeks to realize they shouldn't date anyone at work.
[Robbie] And for some reason you like being the guy that helps them realize that, don't you?
[Sammy] Yes I do.
[Robbie] You wanna be like Fonzie, don't you?
[Sammy] Yes I do.
[Robbie] You're on your way.
idols.mp3
[Sammy] See, I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinny Barbarino, cuz they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinny Barbarino?
[Robbie] Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think, the mechanical bull movie? I didn't see it yet.
[Sammy] Their shows got cancelled. Cuz no one wants to see a fifty year old guy hittin' on chicks.
hold.mp3
[Sammy] All I really want is someone to hold me, and tell me that everything is gonna be all right.
crazy.mp3
[Walter] You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole.
idiot.mp3
[Walter] Joe Montana was the quarterback, you idiot.
slanting.mp3
[Happy] This is a biggie, pal. Time's tickin' away, I gotta make some real money. Now whaddya think? Slightly downhill?
[Otto] And slanting left.
[Happy] No, no, it just seems that way cuz you only got one shoe on.
[Otto] Oh yeah.
speed.mp3
[Tony] Well, are you rolling now, Kenneth?
[Kenny] Speed!
[Tony] Does that mean rolling?
[Kenny] Yes it does.
nein.mp3
(During a "Solve the Equation Contest", which Covert is dressed up like Einstein for)
[Dumb Kid] Seventeen?
[Kenny] Nein.
[Dumb Kid] Nine is the answer?
[Kenny] No! "Nein" is German for "no."
[Smart Kid] Eleven.
[Kenny] Wunderbar! You may advance.
freaksandgeeks.mp3
[Clerk] We're out of pop rocks.
[Sam] Uh...A keg of beer, please.
[Clerk] Don't see that happenin'.
[Neal] Oh, no, we'd like non-alcoholic beer.
[Clerk] Oh, really? NO.
made.mp3
[God] Now that the door is half open...go all the way through, Allen.
[Allen] God, are you saying I'm GAY?
[God] (pause) Yes.
[Allen] Well, you know, we're all your people God, so no matter what I am, you made me that way.
stalker.mp3
[Allen] I fell in love, recently.
[Conan] That's nice. That's very sweet.
[Allen] I'm very much in love.
[Conan] Is she here with you tonight?
[Allen] No, she couldn't be here. If she were here, that would mean she was within a hundred feet of me. Apparently a judge thinks that's a bad idea. A few thousand phone calls a day, all of a sudden you're a stalker.
openhouses.mp3
[Conan] Yeah, anyone can go.
[Allen] You can just walk around people's houses! You're lookin' in people's closets, and I'm like "Hey, I've got that shirt, alright." Then at the end that's when they ask you if you've got any questions, and that's where I have my fun. I go "Uh, yeah. I really like the paint in the living room, but, say I got a lot of blood on it. Could I wipe that off, or would I have to repaint?" or like, "In the basement, say someone was...screaming at the top of their lungs? Could the neighbors hear that?" and then I like to take their card and go "Is this your home number?"
emergency.mp3
[Allen] While you're sitting there, you realize there's two kinds of people who end up in the Emergency Room: People who are really injured, and people who are really stupid. Cuz I'm sitting between a guy who got stabbed in the neck, and a guy who accidentally superglued his eyes shut.
[Conan] (laughing) I'm usually that guy.
summercamp.mp3
[Allen] So the doctor comes in, and he looks at me, and he says "Now let's have a look at that testicle." Which, I hadn't heard from another man since summer camp. That's a whole nother story.
[Conan] (laughing) Let's hear that story!
[Allen] No, we're going to stay away from that one.
[Conan] Can we hear it later?
[Allen] Yeah, I'll tell you afterwards.
[Conan] Okay.
diagnostic.mp3
[Allen] I watch these medical shows, right? ER, and whatever. They have machines that can tell you anything. They take a drop of your blood and tell you "You have this, this and this." So I'm thinking "This will be easy!" So this guy, what HE does - his "diagnostic" technique is - he puts on a rubber glove, he lifts up my paper dress, and he takes his thumb and his forefinger, and he squeezes my testicle. (The audience groans.) So, when I came to... (laughter)
sling.mp3
[Allen] So, I get dressed, the nurse comes in and hands me this prescription. It says "Take one tablet every four hours, and keep your scrotum elevated."
[Conan] How do you do that?
[Allen] That's what I said! "Do you have some special kind of sling or something?"
phonebook.mp3
[Allen] It sounds funny, but you should try sitting on the couch, watching tv with your balls resting on a phone book.
cult.mp3
[Adam] Hey buddy. Are you glad you did this?
[Allen] This is the best thing I ever did. Thank you.
[Adam] You're not mad at them making you kill your father, are you?
[Allen] You know, it's like they say: It was the only way to save him.
[Adam] You're a good guy.
[Allen] You're a better one.
interview.mp3
[Allen, job interviewe] So why don't you tell me why you would be an asset to this company?
[Excited Southerner] That is a very good question. Blah blah blah blah blah . . . But I was wonderin' --
[Interviewer] That's great, but we don't have anything open right now. Thanks for coming down.
crazy2.mp3
[Covert] Man, they were all crazy.
Grandma's Boy
Mr. Deeds
Little Nicky
Deuce Bigalow
Big Daddy
The Wedding Singer
The Waterboy
Happy Gilmore
Heavyweights
Freaks And Geeks
Canned Ham
Conan O'Brien
What the hell happened to me?
Grandma's Boy
bad guy.mp3
[Grandma Lilly] Is this a good guy, or a bad guy?
[Alex] Oh, that's a bad guy. He's a drug dealer. Kill him.
[Grandma Lilly] Oh! Oh, I hate violence. But drugs are bad...
Mr. Deeds
heavy breathing.mp3
[Marty] Babe? What are you staying here for?! I have a spare bedroom!
[Babe] We tried that once, remember? I woke up, and you were standing over my bed, breathing heavily.
[Marty] I was having an asthma attack! I couldn't find my puffer!
old spice.mp3
[Marty] Damn you, Old Spice!
sweet.mp3
[Babe] How could we do this to such a sweet guy?
[Marty] Sweet! SWEET?!? Look at me! Was he being sweet when he gave me the most savage beating of my life?
[Babe] You were mugging me!
[Marty] Babe, no one is as good as this guy is pretending to be. Don't be a sucker.
[Babe] He doesn't deserve this.
[Marty] He doesn't deserve you.
Little Nicky
horrifying.mp3
[Todd] THAT... is the most horrifying thing... I've ever seen.
tvblowup.mp3
[Todd] I'm freaked out. My television just blew up.
[Nicky] You're damn right, it did! I mean... really?
in love once.mp3
[Todd] You know, I was in love once, but she said I wasn't financially reliable, and she needed that.
[John] Now by "she", do you mean "he"?
[Todd] NO!
did you just talk?.mp3
[Todd] What is Nicky doing there?
[Beefy] Trying to capture his brother in a flask and preserve the balance of good and evil on earth.
[Todd] Did you just talk?
[Beefy] No.
coke01.mp3
[Todd] Alright, I'm going to pretend I didn't see a dog on the couch, because my brain just can't process that right now. But were you about to drink one of my cokes?
coke02.mp3
[Todd] This coke tastes like pepsi.
kevin spacey.mp3
[Todd] Damn you, Kevin Spacey! You take all my parts!
deepsouth.mp3
[Todd] Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?
[Nicky] No.
[Todd] It's like, 80 degrees in this hallway. Where are you from, the south?
[Nicky] (long pause) Yes. The deep south.
Deuce Bigalow
deuce01.mp3
[Manager] Hi, Bob? We have an overflowing toilet in the ladies bathroom. There is shit everywhere, it's a real mess. Do you think you can get in there and take care of that for me?
deuce02.mp3
[Manager] So could you get in there, Bob? I mean, I got a party of ten coming in, and I am up to my ankles in human crap. It's a real stinkfest back there.
Big Daddy
adoption.mp3
[Phil] So you're thinking that, since sometimes women get pregnant to try and fix a troubled relationship, why can't a guy adopt a kid to do the same thing?
puppy.mp3
[Phil] Remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food, and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it? But then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet training it?
[Sonny] Yeah?
[Phil] Well, this is kinda like that - except with a HUMAN.
ow.mp3
[Big Stick] Whack!
[Phil] OW!
(Thanks to Lisa for both of these.)
hooters.mp3
[Phil] And how long have you disliked Mr. Coufax?
[Corinne] Since the day I met him.
[Phil] And for the record, where did you work while you attended medical school?
[Corinne] Hooters.
[Phil] No further questions.
kangaroo.mp3
This is the kangaroo song, in case you haven't guessed already.
The Wedding Singer
cones.mp3
[Sammy] They were cones!
dingdong.mp3
[Robbie] Why would any girl ever marry me?
[Sammy] Marry you? I'm just tryin' to get someone to play with your ding dong.
downey.mp3
[Sammy] Hey, these sheets are soft. Do you use Downey?
[Robbie] No. All Temperature. You can wash your clothes at any temperature and the colors don't run together.
[Sammy] Really?
[Robbie] Yeah. Now leave me alone.
get.mp3
[Sammy] She's gonna get it, and she doesn't even know it. And I'm gonna give it to her.
fonzie.mp3
[Robbie] I don't think that's gonna happen.
[Sammy] Oh, please. It's her first day. It always takes them at least three weeks to realize they shouldn't date anyone at work.
[Robbie] And for some reason you like being the guy that helps them realize that, don't you?
[Sammy] Yes I do.
[Robbie] You wanna be like Fonzie, don't you?
[Sammy] Yes I do.
[Robbie] You're on your way.
idols.mp3
[Sammy] See, I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinny Barbarino, cuz they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinny Barbarino?
[Robbie] Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think, the mechanical bull movie? I didn't see it yet.
[Sammy] Their shows got cancelled. Cuz no one wants to see a fifty year old guy hittin' on chicks.
hold.mp3
[Sammy] All I really want is someone to hold me, and tell me that everything is gonna be all right.
The Waterboy
crazy.mp3
[Walter] You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole.
idiot.mp3
[Walter] Joe Montana was the quarterback, you idiot.
Happy Gilmore
slanting.mp3
[Happy] This is a biggie, pal. Time's tickin' away, I gotta make some real money. Now whaddya think? Slightly downhill?
[Otto] And slanting left.
[Happy] No, no, it just seems that way cuz you only got one shoe on.
[Otto] Oh yeah.
Heavyweights
speed.mp3
[Tony] Well, are you rolling now, Kenneth?
[Kenny] Speed!
[Tony] Does that mean rolling?
[Kenny] Yes it does.
nein.mp3
(During a "Solve the Equation Contest", which Covert is dressed up like Einstein for)
[Dumb Kid] Seventeen?
[Kenny] Nein.
[Dumb Kid] Nine is the answer?
[Kenny] No! "Nein" is German for "no."
[Smart Kid] Eleven.
[Kenny] Wunderbar! You may advance.
Freaks & Geeks - 11/00
freaksandgeeks.mp3
[Clerk] We're out of pop rocks.
[Sam] Uh...A keg of beer, please.
[Clerk] Don't see that happenin'.
[Neal] Oh, no, we'd like non-alcoholic beer.
[Clerk] Oh, really? NO.
Canned Ham (Little Nicky)
made.mp3
[God] Now that the door is half open...go all the way through, Allen.
[Allen] God, are you saying I'm GAY?
[God] (pause) Yes.
[Allen] Well, you know, we're all your people God, so no matter what I am, you made me that way.
Conan O'Brien 11/10/00
stalker.mp3
[Allen] I fell in love, recently.
[Conan] That's nice. That's very sweet.
[Allen] I'm very much in love.
[Conan] Is she here with you tonight?
[Allen] No, she couldn't be here. If she were here, that would mean she was within a hundred feet of me. Apparently a judge thinks that's a bad idea. A few thousand phone calls a day, all of a sudden you're a stalker.
openhouses.mp3
[Conan] Yeah, anyone can go.
[Allen] You can just walk around people's houses! You're lookin' in people's closets, and I'm like "Hey, I've got that shirt, alright." Then at the end that's when they ask you if you've got any questions, and that's where I have my fun. I go "Uh, yeah. I really like the paint in the living room, but, say I got a lot of blood on it. Could I wipe that off, or would I have to repaint?" or like, "In the basement, say someone was...screaming at the top of their lungs? Could the neighbors hear that?" and then I like to take their card and go "Is this your home number?"
Conan O'Brien - 1999
emergency.mp3
[Allen] While you're sitting there, you realize there's two kinds of people who end up in the Emergency Room: People who are really injured, and people who are really stupid. Cuz I'm sitting between a guy who got stabbed in the neck, and a guy who accidentally superglued his eyes shut.
[Conan] (laughing) I'm usually that guy.
summercamp.mp3
[Allen] So the doctor comes in, and he looks at me, and he says "Now let's have a look at that testicle." Which, I hadn't heard from another man since summer camp. That's a whole nother story.
[Conan] (laughing) Let's hear that story!
[Allen] No, we're going to stay away from that one.
[Conan] Can we hear it later?
[Allen] Yeah, I'll tell you afterwards.
[Conan] Okay.
diagnostic.mp3
[Allen] I watch these medical shows, right? ER, and whatever. They have machines that can tell you anything. They take a drop of your blood and tell you "You have this, this and this." So I'm thinking "This will be easy!" So this guy, what HE does - his "diagnostic" technique is - he puts on a rubber glove, he lifts up my paper dress, and he takes his thumb and his forefinger, and he squeezes my testicle. (The audience groans.) So, when I came to... (laughter)
sling.mp3
[Allen] So, I get dressed, the nurse comes in and hands me this prescription. It says "Take one tablet every four hours, and keep your scrotum elevated."
[Conan] How do you do that?
[Allen] That's what I said! "Do you have some special kind of sling or something?"
phonebook.mp3
[Allen] It sounds funny, but you should try sitting on the couch, watching tv with your balls resting on a phone book.
What the Hell Happened To Me?
cult.mp3
[Adam] Hey buddy. Are you glad you did this?
[Allen] This is the best thing I ever did. Thank you.
[Adam] You're not mad at them making you kill your father, are you?
[Allen] You know, it's like they say: It was the only way to save him.
[Adam] You're a good guy.
[Allen] You're a better one.
interview.mp3
[Allen, job interviewe] So why don't you tell me why you would be an asset to this company?
[Excited Southerner] That is a very good question. Blah blah blah blah blah . . . But I was wonderin' --
[Interviewer] That's great, but we don't have anything open right now. Thanks for coming down.
crazy2.mp3
[Covert] Man, they were all crazy.