Sat., Jan. 7, 2006. 1:27 AM

Conan: Starting Friday you can see my next guest alongside Adam Sandler in "Big Daddy". Please welcome Allen Covert.

Conan: Allen how you doin? (He proceeds to knock off the little Tarzan dolly off the edge of his desk.) Oh my God, he fell. You wore him out.

(Allen picks up the Tarzan dolly and puts it back on the desk.)

Allen: Could you turn him? I can see straight up his legs...

Conan: No, you know what? There's no position you could put him in where it's not filthy. (He throws the dolly behind him.) Let him play out there. Now, you came on the show once before. And since that time, you've had kind of a health scare?

Allen: Yeah. A couple weeks ago.

Conan: Really? Is everything okay?

Allen: Yeah, it's a little embarrassing. I had to go to the emergency room. I had a *severely* swollen testicle.

Conan: Mmmhmm. That happens. I've heard of that.

Allen: I have never heard of that. I was nervous. In that area, you don't want surgery or amputation or anything.

Conan: You pretty much don't want any attention drawn to that area.

Allen: Well, sometimes you do. But not by a doctor. So, I had to go the Emergency Room, and they don't care what's the matter with you - they make you wait. For HOURS. While you're sitting there, you realize there's two kinds of people who end up in the Emergency Room: People who are really injured, and people who are really stupid. Cuz I'm sitting between a guy who got stabbed in the neck, and a guy who accidentally superglued his eyes shut.

Conan: (laughing) I'm usually that guy.

Allen: So finally, they call me into this little room, and they make me put on that paper bag, and they say "The doctor will be in in a minute." So the doctor comes in, and he looks at me, and he says "Now let's have a look at that testicle." Which, I hadn't heard from another man since summer camp. That's a whole nother story.

Conan: (laughing) Let's hear that story!

Allen: No, we're going to stay away from that one.

Conan: Can we hear it later?

Allen: Yeah, I'll tell you afterwards.

Conan: Okay.

Allen: But, I watch these - (turning towards Andy) Hey Andy.

Andy: Hi! How are ya?

Allen: (To Conan) I feel bad, like I'm ignoring Andy.

Conan: No, no, bring him in! He wants to hear a swollen testicle story like the rest of us.

Andy: I'm takin' notes.

Allen: Anyway, I watch these medical shows, right? ER, and whatever. They have machines that can tell you anything. They take a drop of your blood and tell you "You have this, this and this." So I'm thinking "This will be easy!" So this guy, what HE does - his "diagnostic" technique is - he puts on a rubber glove, he lifts up my paper dress, and he takes his thumb and his forefinger, and he squeezes my testicle. (The audience groans.) So, when I came to, I said "What do I have?". He said some latin word, and waltzed out the door. I get dressed, the nurse comes in and hands me this prescription. It says "Take one tablet every four hours, and keep your scrotum elevated."

Conan: How do you do that?

Allen: That's what I said! "Do you have some special kind of sling?"

Andy: You know, you could answer that question, but you threw the Tarzan doll away.

Conan: We'll go get it.

Allen: It sounds funny, but you should try sitting on the couch, watching tv with your balls resting on a phone book.

Conan: Done that. I didn't have anything wrong with me, either.

Allen: (laughing) You just like to do it. So I was looking for one of those hard boiled egg cups --

Conan: Oh, stop!

Allen: Those are hard to find. My grandmother had them, but I can't find them anywhere.

Conan: But everything's fine now?

Allen: Yeah, except I feel a little queasy. I had a motion ham sandwich earlier.

Conan: Alright, alright.

Allen: I laughed!

Conan: You like motion ham, right?

Allen: I laughed! I was in the dressing room laughing my ass off. I thought the joke was a little eh. I watch the View, Star Jones seems like a nice person. But the words "motion ham."

Conan: That's funny. It was in no way meant to disparage Star. But just "motion ham." Uhm, let's talk about the movie.

Allen: Sure.

Conan: Very funny movie, and we have a clip here. What do we need to know? Basically this is Adam Sandler, with a kid.

Allen: Right. Adam is going out with a girl, played by Kristi Swanson. She says "I'm leaving you because you're irresponsible." Because, he is. To prove to her that he has responsibility, he adopts a five year old boy. She leaves him anyway. So then, he's stuck with this kid.

Conan: Mmmhmm.

Allen: Are we going to show the clip now?

Conan: Yeah!

Allen: Oh, okay, cool.

Conan: Do we need to know anything else?

Allen: In this clip, it's me, and the guy who plays my boyfriend...

Conan: We'll get to that in a second.

Allen: Yeah, we'll get to that in a second.

Conan: Because you play - well, let's talk about it now. You are part of a gay couple.

Allen: I play part of a gay couple. Me, and Peter Dante, who was the quarterback in the Waterboy. We play two friends of Adam's - we all went to law school together, and at the end of law school, we decided to tell our friends that we were in love with each other.

Conan: Right. And you have a kissing scene?

Allen: Yeah.

Conan: Was that tough for you?

Allen: I don't know. It wasn't that bad. There were like, lights, and people - it wasn't like we were in my bedroom makin' out or something. You know, it was kind of business-like.

Conan: Who suggested THAT, by the way?

Allen: What, the kiss, or making out in my bedroom?

Conan: Well, no one implied THAT, that was just you.

Allen: Well, I was just saying. . . C'mon, Conan.



(laughter)

Allen: The band liked that one.

Conan: Yeah, well, as long as THEY'RE happy, I'm happy. But we have to get to this clip.

Allen: Yeah yeah, so in this clip, Adam's had the kid for a few days. Peter and I go and visit him to see how they're doing.

[They show the clip where Frankenstein hits Allen in the back of the leg with the stick.]

Conan: I hope that was a rubber stick, for your sake.

Allen: No.

Conan: Big Daddy opens this Friday, and thanks for coming back on the show. Allen Covert, everybody.



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